THE TALES OF THE BIG AND BAD
The following stories are all true. They are factual events that have been forwarded to us by the people who have experienced them.
PART ONE
Parking Lots
Mysterious 20 year old blonde:BBD?
Dave: Excuse me????
Hot ass Blonde: I know u!!!!! (TUrns to her friend) OMG Thats BBD!!!!!
Dave: Um No im uhhhh David i dont know u... what is a uh BBD?
Blonde Bimbo: Dont play dumb with me.... Im blonde but i know BBD when i see him
(Dave begins to run while covering his face)
Blonde's voice begins to trail off in the distance:
Blonde: come here u hunkalicous big bad stud u...I didnt have my way with u yet
Work
Old Jewish woman: Harvey, ask this young man if where the GOld's gefittle fish is
Old Jewish Man: Excuse me son, where the Gefittle FIsh BEz at????
Dave: Big and Badness?????
Jew man: Whaaa?
Dave: BBD??????
JEw WOman: BB-what?What the.....Geffitle Fish!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Dave: Ohhhh Well why didnt u just say so... Its at back of aisle 7 on the right hand side
Seeing the Light
Dave: ah shit
Deep Thundering Voice from out of the clouds: whats wrong BBD?
Dave: I dont know G, sometimes, it..... it just hurts man
Man Upstairs: What hurts my homie?
Dave: I dont know... Being so big and bad I guess.....I guess im just so big and bad it hurts???
Man Upstairs: I hear ya gansta..Can we talk about this later though? I gotta bounce.. Got to work some mirracles.... im good like that.... Keep fighting the good fight BBD
Dave: Holla at ur boy G, peace
Street Life
Little Boy:(tuggin at Dave's shirt)"excuse me mister....are u the man they call BBd???".
Dave: "you know it homie"...
Lil Boy: I got one question.How do u do it?"
Dave: Do what?"
Lil Boy: "BE so fuckin big and bad like that" he said.
Dave Gives him a fresh one for his language... then pats the youngster on the back as to say all is forgiving....lets out a loud sigh
Dave: lil boy, u have no idea.... you have noooo idea"
Church
Priest: Young son, are you that trouble youth calling himself "Big Bad Dave"?
Dave: U know it pops
Priest:Where did u get the name Big Bad Dave from exactly? It sounds like the work of Satin....
Dave: A divine figure came to me one night and blessed me with the nick name
Priest: LOrd have mercy on my dear old soul....So ...So U... ... U saw God?????
Dave: God?? who said anything about God....I made the name up myself
School:
Teacher: Mr. Kosich, maybe you can enlighten us with the answer to our question?
Dave: Ummmm i dont really know.... its prolly....
Teacher: U werent paying attention were u david?
Dave: Not Paying attention or being big and Bad???
LONG Akward SILENCE lasting aprox 15.234 seconds
Teacher(Under her breath): True. Im.... Im sorr....
Dave Cuts her off
Dave: no need to apologize, now u know for the future..... just dont let it happen again.. u heard???
Doctors Office:
Doctor: so what seeems toooo be the problem?
Dave: I get these sudden pains shooting up my body Doc
Docotor: ANd do these pains happen at certain times of the day or during certain activities?
Dave: Nawh man, they come they go, then they come, but then they dont go again... it sucks
Doctor: So its consistent pain huh? does it ache?
Dave: Yep
Doctor: and you said it happens often?
Dave: YeS!
Doctor: I see.... Mumbling under his breath:(damn bidbaditis.....so elusive)
Docotor: I dont know how to brake this to you son.... you have....
Dave: Tendinitis right doc??? i knew it, i told my mom it was no big deal
Docotor: (Uneasy and nervous) Uh Yes haahah uh yeh you got it big guy... How did you know? Tendinitis it is! Just a little case of old Tendinitis
Dave leaves the office
Nurse: to the doctor How does that boy carry on?
Doctor: I dont know ... I just dont know
THE Elderly
60 something woman: My god, Pat.... its John and THeresa's son.... Remember them? we use to live next door to them about 5 years ago
Even Older man: Oh Yeh... what was that young chaps name... Get him over here for a second
old ladie: Excuse me son, over here... hello there
Dave: Um hi.... do i know u?
Old woman: U dont remember us???> We lived next door to you for years....
Dave: oh yeh yeh yeh... hows it going
145 year old Man: good good.... u got so much older looking
Dave: ITs ironic you should say that because you actually got ol....
wrinkled Woman: Remember when he was 5 years old Pat? the little tot use to call himself biggy and baddY?>
Dave: Biggy and Baddy?????
old Woman: Yes it was so cute
Dave: You mean Big and Bad?
Man: That was probally it then... You still doing that kind of thing????
Dave: well lets see..... are you still old? miserable? alone? and peeing though your adult diapers and saturating ur pants like a 2 year old?
Old couples bows there head in shame
Dave: I rest my case....... have a nice life.
Misunderstood
Girl: So dave..... you never told me why they call you big and bad....
Dave: I thought it was apparent but let me show you honey.....\
Dave flashes the goods
Girl: ewww ummm ohhhhhk...thanks??? wait im still confused. so why do they call you big and Bad again?
Airports
Woker: so you need 2 tickets Maam... thats $157.89
Mom: Im sorry... No its 3 actually
Worker: its just you and your son over there correct?
Mom: technically... yes.... literally.. no
Worker:uh im not following... 2 tickets for 2 people...
Second employee walks over and whisperrs 3 letters in the mans ear then says 2 adjectives seperated by a conjunction
Worker: 3 tickets it is... have a nice flight
PART TWO
The Future
Guidance Counselor: David I dont know what to say.. You grades are ghastly, you have no clubs to your name, you played one sport(and might i add you were never in any game i saw), this is terrible....
BBD: So What u saying,bitch?.. Say it to my face u damn coward
Guidance Counselor: Basically, the only way i could word it is this.....YOU SUCK AT LIFE
Friends:
Large Tattooed Man: Ha bro dont look over there , ur boys cant save u now...
BBD: I know that, but i wanted to make sure they were still there...one of them is wearing a very expensive orange jacket of mine.
RACE
Momma K: I cant believe i raised my son to be a racist... How can you say you’re not?
BBD: I am not a racist..... Simply put, i hate everybody equally..
Momma K: O.............
Old woman who gave berth to me: Everybody?
BBD: EVERYBODY
BAD JOKES:
DAVE FUCKIN KOSICH: Hey listen to this joke mom... Why is Dave Kosich bigger and badder than the titanic?
MADRE DE DAVID: Oh god...This better not be dumb... I dont know, why david?
BBD: Cause only 200 woman went down below on the titanic :)
Mom: Thats terrible.... People died aboard that ship dave
Double B to the d holla: Damn it... WHy do all my jokes always backfire mom? why?
Offering her motherly support
Mom: Its ok son, its ok.. Remember what i told you one you were small...You are our "special" child
Comebacks
Bro Kosich #1: Hey Mom, hows it feel to raise a gay son.. Hes gay, look at him
Ma: Rick stop....
Dave: I am gay?
Rich: Thats right
BBD: Well....
......Silence lasting 2 1/2 minutes in which the other 2 people stare blankly waiting for a response from BBD.............
BBD: Your a gaylord, u big duty head.....
Momma K: There you go dave, you showed him whos boss
The Inevitable:
Ugly woman with hairy legs: Hello David, welcome to Adelphi University... We just need you and your father to sign this form.. Is he here?
BBd: Poppa k where u at???/// Oh hes right there
Nasty Old whore: Which one? Do you might pointing him out
BBd: RIght there, the one with the big glasses, beer gut, and lack of hair
inconsiderate College bitch: Isn't that precious... Did anyone ever tell you that you look just like your father??
BBd: Bitch, do you like life?
Hairy woman: Pardon me??????
bbd: i said, "do you like life?"
Nasty old whore with hairy legs: ummm...I suppose....
BBD: THEN HOW ABOUT A LITTLE LESS QUESTIONS AND A LIL MORE SHUT THE HELL UP?????
Clarification
BbD: Hey there sexy, wanna dance??
Blonde with ugly face but nice ass: Not with you...
BBd: What? No no..You must have misunderstood me.... I didn't ask you to dance, I said you look fat in those pants... Bitch
Dogs
BBd: Fuck ..... Bongo did u fart man?
Bongo: WHAT AM I FUCKIN GARFIELD? YOU EXPECT TO HEAR WHAT IM THINKING OUTLOUD?
bBD: BUTTT...bUT YOU JUST TALKED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Bongo the negro dog: Listen dick head.. Not a word to anyone.. If i find out you told someone that I talk, one of 2 things will happen to you.. 1) Ill cut ur balls off like they did to me and you will never have children, EVER.. Or 2) ill hump the shit out out of ur leg until you cry for your mother..Understood?
Bbd: Uhhh yeh... Hey your a good boy.... Does Bongo, want a treat? wanna go for a walk? Where is that toy of yours?
Bongo: that a boy
Tattoos
Poppa K: Do you think your a big man now because you have 2 of those on your arms?
BBD:No, i think i am a big man because of the penis in between my legs
Guy who had his way with my mother: Your an idiot
BBD: true...
Homosexuals
man walking down the street in Greenwich Village: Hey big boy.... Wanna see something sensational???
BBd: Hey... Sensational? Ha thats funny, cause they call me the Croatian Sensation
Flaming Fagot: Oh is that right?
BBD: YEP
homo: Well how about we go over to this alley over here...
BBD: Wait.. Im not suppose to talk to strangers.. Im suppose to say something to people when im in this situation
Fruit Cake:........
BBD:ohhhh i got it....Do you have candy?
Gay queen: All the Lolipops you can eat
BBd: well if you have candy then i guess its ok... But I like women mister
Homo: Thats great!!!!! You can be the woman!
BBd: WHAT???????
Not straight man: Lolipops are this way
BBd: oh ok.. Good
PART THREE
Philosophy
Friend: Hey Dave.. You ever wonder what your purpose in life is?
Friend: Yo Dave.... Dave... DAVE im talking to u ass whipe!!!!
Friend:YOOOOOOOO DAAAAAVe
BBd:Anyone here named Dave? Is there a Dave in the house? I dont know who Dave is.
Friend: oh oh im terribly sorry.. "BBd", have you ever wondered what your whole purpose in life is? You know, like you reason for living
BBd: No need to wonder, God already told me what my role was one night during a dream.
Friend: Really? And whats that?
BBd: To serve as a warning to others
NAMES
Momma K: what is all this bbd crap? What is that? Why do people call you that?
BBD: It stands for Big Bad Dave, and its not crap, its my name..... U sloppy broad
Mother: You listen to me you little basterd..Your name is David, not "bbd".. and I KNOW I raised you to be more respectful than that.
BBd: Who is David?
Old bag pushing 50: Apparently....... i also raised you to be a jackass.
bbd: APparently
BITches
Eldest Kosich brother: why dont you have a girlfriend?
BBd: I prefer to mack all girls... I cant commit to just one
Rich K: Thats a fuckin lie.. You barely even talk to women
Bbd: I talk to more girls than u do there chief
Ricky Dick: You prolly cant even name 3 douche bag.
Bbd: Grandma, AUnt Maryann, Mommy.. Your turn
Cutting Ties
Poppa K: When you moving out son?
Mommy: Jay, the kid is only 17 years old
Poppa K: when you moving out son?
BBd: Are you out of ur DAMN mind?
Poppa K: When you moving out son?
Bbd: Dad, what the hell is wrong with you?
Poppa K: Your right... Just some wishful thinking on my part i guess.. Sorry
BBd: its ok
Poppa K: I actually wanted to ask you something though
BBd: sup daddy o???
Poppa K: Seriously speaking, when do you think you will be moving out?
Dancing:
Hot Ebony Girl: What are you doing?
BBd: Some call it dancing, i call it getting down with my bad self..
Black Girl: No.. No...OHHHHHHHH Hell no Dont EVER do that again.. Dont "get down with urself" or attempt to dance for that matter
BBd: Are you?... Are you saying i cant dance?
SExy Negro ho with lil compassion: its not that u cant dance, its just that ur overly caucasian.. Sorry
BBd: So I guess you dont want take a ride on The bbd train ???
Negro Girl: You just dont get it do you ?
BBd: I get it, i get it... You have pepper spray and u know how to use it.
Driving
mom: Why the hell are you so happy?
BBD: Im just so happy to be living.. Isnt life great?
Mom: Ok Dave... What pretty girl gave u a compliment today?
Dave: Actually mother, it wasnt a girl.. It was a WOMAN
Mom: A woman huh? even the older ladies like you?
Dave:Yep
Mom: Ha and whats this "womans" name?
Dave: Officer Carol
Mom: Officer? shes a police officer? What the hell did u do this time?
Dave: Nothing, she left me a note..
MOm: let me guess.. Cause ur sooooo dreamy right dave?
Dave: No Mother, stop being silly.. it was because she liked my driving.. It said parking fine
Mom: DavID!!!! you idiot! You got a ticket.. I knew you were a terrible driver!
BBd: listen Toots.. I'll tell you what i tell everyone else.. If you don't like my driving... Stay off the sidewalks.. Its that simple
STupidity
Brother Kosich:I mean look at you.Your a mess of a human being
BBd: Yeh well... Your mother
DicK head kosich; my mother what? My mother is your mother fool
BBd: Damn it..... U know something, it worked when i did it to my friend in school
Dick: Im not even going to comment on that
Self Indulgence
Little brother Kosich: Mommmmm.. Daves been in the bathroom for like 35 minutes..Make him get out. What the hell is he doing in there?
Momma K: I hear him talking.. i dont know rob maybe hes in the shower and singing? I have no idea
Bbd ( while staring out his stud like face in the mirror): Mirror mirror on that fuckin wall, WHOS THE BIGGEST AND BADDEST OF THEM ALL?
CONFUSION
Shoprite worker: Soo you and your brothers all work here?
Bbd: indeed
Shoprtie worker: You have an older brother and a younger brother? I guess that means....
BBd: IM NOT GAY I SWEAR!!!! IM NOT GAY!
worker: I was actually going to say, i guess that means your the middle child?
Bbd: Oh.. Yeh.. Well im not gay, i swear
Green Thumb
Bbd: MOmma k, why are you planting new plants?
Madre: Because the ones your good for nothing father planted look like shit
Mom: Look here Dave, i named this one after you
BBd: oh thats cute, thats cute.. Whats its name, BIg bad Plant Dave??.. HA HA i crack myself up
Mom: No.. the Bloomin' idiot.
Skilled Artisan
Rob Kosich: your a good for nothing piece of shit.. You have no talents, none what so ever.
Dave: Not true, I posses the ability to sculpt an elephant out of marbel
RJMK: no you dont, your full of shit
Dave: Foolish child, u know nothing..
Brother Rob; how do you do then big guy?
Dave: First you get a huge block of marbel... Then.
BRother: Really? No shit...
BBd: Yep.. Then you chip away everything that doesnt look like an elephant
Brother: You know, I dont even know why i bother talking to you
Girl: I hate you soooo much... I hope you rot in hell and fuckin die!
Bbd: first of all, dont swear, it shows ignorance.. ANd you stupid fuckin bitch, you know what you just said?.. You said you hope "i rot in hell and die".. WOuldnt i have to die first, then rot in hell? in that order? Or am i mistaken
GIrl: I WANT YOU TO DIE! WHY WONT YOU JUST DIE!!!!?
BBd: Im a firm believer that God put me on earth to do a certain number of things, right now im so far behind, ill never die
Girl: Ughhhh
Flirting
Bbd: Hey babbabbyyy.. Nice rack
Girl: Excuse me?
BBd: What are they? A c cup?
Girl: What makes you think that?
Bbd: cause my testicles are the same size
Random THoughts
Random old guy sitting a park bench: Hey sonny.. WHats wrong?
BBd: Ah i dont know.. Im miserable
Old Guy: Thats unfortunate big guy
BBd: No,im not unfortuante, im miserable
Old guy: WEll son, they sort of go hand and hand right? they are one in the same
BBd: nah... Big difference Old timer. AN unfortunate person is one who tries to fart but shits instead. a miserable person is one who truly enjoys a fart but cant
Old terd with wrinkley penis: ha whipper snapper, i guess your never too old to learn
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